Dear Eddie Cut,
My brother has developed a new theory on why the dinosaurs went extinct. He says that aliens made barbeque out of them and that the smoke from all those big barbeque pits blocked out the sun and all the dinosaurs that weren’t eaten, froze and died 65 million years ago. How often do alien beings from other planets visit the earth for a big barbeque?
Signed,
That’s A Lot Of Barbeque
Dear That’s A Lot Of Barbeque,
Well, if your brother’s theory is correct and the last big barbeque was 65 million years ago it should be real soon. Cause, 65 million years is about as long as most aliens can go without having a big barbeque.
Signed,
Eddie Cut
Dear Eddie Cut,
Yesterday on my way WalMart some a-hole cut me off and I spilled a whole can of beer on myself. Well, you can imagine how embarrassed I was with my pants soaking wet, standing there in line with my shopping cart of beer, waiting to check out. If I ever catch the perpetrator can I sue for damages and mental anguish? My life will never be the same.
Signed,
Mentally Damaged
Dear Mentally Damaged,
I am sorry to hear about your tragic accident. However, I’m not an Attorney, so I can’t give you any professional legal advice. But, I think if you talk to almost any Attorney At Law they will eagerly pursue ever legal option available to you in your quest for justice........ as long as you pay the retainer.
Signed,
Eddie Cut
Dear Eddie Cut,
Please help me settle an argument with my friend. Is it more socially acceptable to pee on the side of a building, on the side walk or in the street.
Signed,
Got To Pee
Dear Got To Pee,
I assume from your letter that your friend is an imaginary friend. All the places you listed to pee are about equal in their social acceptability. Just be sure not to pee on your friend.
Signed,
Eddie Cut
Dear Eddie Cut,
I just moved to a new town and I don’t know anyone. Should I tell anyone where I came from or would it be more socially acceptable to fabricate a new identity.
Signed,
New In Town
Dear New In Town,
It’s always exciting to move to a new town, meet new people and create a new persona for yourself. Just go with the flow, but remember, if anyone finds out you’re gonna have to move again.
Signed,
Eddie Cut
Dear Eddie Cut,
I’m gonna meet my future in-laws next week at a big family dinner. Should I get drunk before I go?
Signed,
Future Drunk
Dear Future Drunk,
Remember you only get one chance to make that just right first impression. I would wait til after dinner and then get drunk. Free food, free liquor, a room full of future relatives, this is your night to shine. So, eat like a pig, drink like a fish, curse like a sailor and spew chunks like a demon. Don’t be afraid to show your future relatives who you really are and you’ll never have to worry about them showing up at your house.
Signed,
Eddie Cut
Dear Eddie Cut,
I just was gonna open a new bottle of wine when a couple of my friends stopped by the dumpster to visit. They said that since I was the host I should let them have the first guzzle of wine. I told them it was my wine and they could go screw themselves. Was they right?
Signed,
Wine Host In A Body Cast
Dear Wine Host In A Body Cast,
If you have a new bottle of wine your guests should get the first sip, if you don’t want them to beat the shit out of you and end up in a body cast.
Signed,
Eddie Cut
Dear Eddie Cut,
I received a Ouija Board for Christmas and it’s been great fun receiving messages from the other side. Would stock trades initiated because of stock tips given by the spirits via the Ouija Board be considered as insider trading by the SEC?
Signed,
Stock Trading From Beyond
Dear Stock Trading From Beyond,
The SEC is only interested if you benefit from information not available to the public and since anyone can obtain stock tips via the Ouija Board all such information would be considered pubic information. Happy stock trading!
Signed,
Eddie Cut
Dear Eddie Cut,
Every Christmas Eve such a pack of trolls come down upon my house that my family and I are forced to flee for our lives. They eat everything in the house, make a huge mess and then leave once they have consumed or ruined everything in the house. How can we get rid of these trolls without being cursed or eaten?
Signed,
Trouble With Trolls
Dear Trouble With Trolls,
Trolls aren’t the problem they use to be in the old days but yours is not an unheard of situation. Fleeing is the most obvious solution, however until the demons are confronted and defeated they will continue to wreak havoc every Christmas Eve. The usual solution for a troll problem is to a have giant bear hid under the stove in the kitchen and when the trolls have finished eating, the big banquet you left for them, the giant bear will come out from under the stove, chase down the trolls and eat them. This is the most successful method of troll eradication. Happy trolling!
Signed,
Eddie Cut